September Eighteenth
September 18, 2025

Time check: 10:20am. So fucking annoying. The two of them are absent again. FUCKING ANNOYING BY THE WAY. They so clearly know that I don't like talking to somebody unless I have emotional support. On top of that, none of them are chatting me. Just leaving me on absolute fucking delivered. Oh, so familiar. I fucking wonder who did that to me. It's so stressing. She's just there happy. We made eye contacts but I'd look away. Just a hint to her that I still do like her and I do want to talk to her but at the same time, I just can't. She's such a burden. She's actually pissing me off. She's so happy. Without me especially. She was there with some dude. Annoying. Fucking annoying. I'm so pissed to the point where I'd actually fucking block these two. Yeah, actually. Sure. I'd love to do that. An appreciation from them for being nothing. Piece of shit. This is the worst intramurals week ever. I fucking hate it. Thank god today's dismissal is 2:30pm. It's now time check: 10:24am. I'm genuinely so fucking pissed. They were the ones that I felt more confident of. Without them, I wouldn't be able to. Nobody fucking gets that. I don't care about that independence dependent shit. She's not even initiating anything. That's why, I've come to an obvious realization that she really is gone. Not in my life anymore. I have to genuinely stop trying. It's just so.. I'm so fucking done. It's genuinely annoying me so much. I can't even stand close to her or anything. We were genuinely supposed to be together right now. It's so fucking annoying. I genuinely despise myself and her so much. I despise everything and everyone around me. Why do every such little thing I do turns into something really deep. Not the break up thing. That was a big thing. I mean something else. She's clearly and I mean obviously avoiding me. She was supposed to be hanging out with us but, like I said, yatter and route are absent. Absolute fucking annoying. I'm actually done with them. I genuinely just hate everyone. Things never go well for me. It never does. I'm never given the second chance. They'll always hit me with reality. Telling me we're not meant to be together. Telling me that I'm just "too good to be true/real". Why can't I just be myself and love you? Why can't I just genuinely be so caring? Is it that I'm so caring that you think you're out of my league? Trust me, all I want in return is love. I never asked for gifts. None of that. All I wanted was her love in return. She'll never understand that because I'm not telling her anything. I'M NOT TELLING HER ANYTHING. AND, ITS BECAUSE SHE'S AVOIDING ME. WHATEVER SHE'S DOING. IT'S AFFECTING ME. SEVERELY AFFECTING ME. AND SHE DOESN'T KNOW THAT. BECAUSE I'M NOT TELLING HER ANYTHING. I FUCKING HATE IT. I WOULD'VE BEEN TALKING TO HER RGHT NOW. IF THEY WERE HERE. IF THEY WERE HERE, I WOULD HAVE TOLD HER THE SHIT THATS SWINGING AND ENDLESSLY REPEATING IN MY MIND. IF THEY WERE HERE, SHE WOULDVE BEEN NEXT TO ME. I WOULD'VE KNOWN HER SIDE ALREADY. IT WOULD'VE BEEN OUR LAST TALK RIGHT NOW. BUT NO? NO ITS NOT? BECAUSE THEY ARENT HERE. THE ONES THAT WERE THE ULTIMATE REASON WHY I FELT CONFIDENT TO TALK TO HER. A CLOSURE TALK. IT'S OBVIOUS SHES FUCKING DONE WITH ME. I JUST NEED HER TO SAY IT HERSELF. ITS OVER. I JUST DON'T WANT TO BE A BURDEN TO HER. I DON'T WANT TO INTERRUPT WHATEVER FUN SHES HAVING. BUT, AT THE SAME TIME, I ALSO WISHED SHE WAS AS UPSET AS ME AND NOT AS HAPPY AS THE OTHERS. I JUST CAN'T GET OVER THE FACT THAT I'M STLL THE ONE MAKING EFFORTS. IS SHE EVEN WAITING FOR ME? AM I THE ONLY ONE WAITING FOR HER WHEN SHES ALREADY OVER ME? HAVE I ALWAYS BEEN THE ONE WHOS STILL NOT OVER HER? DOES SHE ACTUALLY NOT WANT ME ANYMORE? IF SHE WAS WAITING FOR ME, SHE WOULD'VE GIVEN ME A HEADS UP. LIKE AN "IM COUNTING ON YOU" OR SOMETHING. BUT, NO. NOTHING. JUST. NOTHING. I HATE IT. I KEEP REMEMBERING JUST HOW SOFT SPOKEN SHE WAS. JUST HOW LOVING SHE WAS TO ME. I HATE IT. I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT. IT IS SO FUCKING ANNOYING. THE THOUGHT OF HER BEING HAPPY RIGHT NOW. THE THOUGHT OF HER SAYING "I LOVE YOU" TO SOMEBODY WHO ISN'T ME; PISSES ME OFF. THE THOUGHT OF HER BEING WITH SOMEBODY WHO ISN'T ME. IT'S SO SO SOOO FUCKING ANNOYING. I HATE HER. I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT HER. WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE HER?? WHY CAN'T SOMEBODY JUST LOVE ME. LOVE ME AND TAKE ME SERIOUSLY. YES, YOU CAN HAVE YOUR ME TIME. I JUST WANT SOME REASSURANCE THAT YOU STILL THINK OF ME. NOT JUST PURE GHOSTING. ITS FUCKING A NORMAL AND I HATE IT. I REALLY DO. And it's the fact that she's with her friends right now which means I can't fucking talk to her. I don't even know where she's at. Last time I saw her, she was in the quadrangle. When I came back, gone. She was gone. Just like how she's actually now gone in my life. I don't even care anymore. I just want her to say it herself. That she's over me. That she's done. That she doesn't want another second chance. That she's completely happy without me and better without me. Why is it that I always am in the same situation? Why does this always happen to me? All I've ever done was treat them nicely. And in return, I receive nothing but a "I'm such a villain for taking her love for granted" GOOD THAT YOU FUCKING KNOW BY THE WAY. YOU DID NOTHING BUT TAKE MY FUCKING ABSOLUTE LOVE FOR GRANTED. PIECE OF RETARD SHIT. She's not even in her table. She's not there. I don't know where she is. I don't know how I should talk to her. I don't know. I DON'T KNOW. I don't know anything. I don't know anymore. I just. Don't. Know. I don't know. I don't know how I feel anymore. I feel so empty. I feel so betrayed. I feel like I want to hang myself. Absolute annoyance. I wanna overdose. I wanna die. I've always thought "oh, she's fragile! I should take really good care of her. Mentally and physically!" But her? What did she even think? Did she ever think about how mentally and physically weak and fragile I am? Mentally especially? Has she ever bothered to care? To care about me? To care about ME? NOT AT ALL. SHES NEVER. ITS GENUINELY SO ANNOYING. ITS LIKE IM ON SOME SAME CYCLE SHIT. ITS LIKE IVE BEEN CURSED. SAME SITUATION AGAIN AND AGAIN. ITS SO TIRING. IM ACTUALLY FUCKING DONE WITH LOVE. ALL IVE EVER WANTED WAS TO BE LOVED AND LOVE THEM AT THE SAME TIME. I NEVER ASKED FOR SOME UNREQUITED LOVE SHIT. ITS ALWAYS ME. ALWAYS ME WHO'S IN AN UNREQUITED LOVE. I ALWAYS HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT. DEAL WITH THE DEPRESSION. DEAL WITH THE DEEPNESS AND STRESS OF IT. ALWAYS ME. ALWAYS FUCKING ME.
(This is clearly the stupidity side and overthinking side of me. I apologize in behalf of this side of me. I genuinely need to change this side of me.)

Batman.

Okay. She's there. In her table. I don't know what to do. Should I jumpscare her? I don't know??? What if her friends are there already?? What if she's gone already?? Not even gonna expect anything. Okay. Whatever. I did it. Actually. I just said hi. Stupid. Okay. Again. I spoke to her. Time check: 11:16am. I asked her if it's okay to annoy her and she said "yeah" with a happy smile. Seriously. Dude. She's always been agreeing to everything I say. Okay. Time check: 3:01pm. I actually spoke to her. We were very touchy around eachother. I initiated the touch most of the time though. But, I could tell she really wanted to touch me too. I think. I don't know. I was fidgeting her finger and her thumb genuinely. GENUINELY. OH, I'm so gonna remember that. I'm so gonna remember that. Genuinely. Her smile. She was smiling while we were going out the campus in dismissal. She was really smiling. That smile I only see. The smile that she does only with or when she sees me. I'm so glad we're back to okay now. I asked her if she'll be present tomorrow and she said "yeah, I have to." And I went "okay. Can I annoy you again tomorrow?" And she said "yeah sure!" And seriously. Consent. I love how she says yes to most things I ask. Also, I don't know now. Time chec: 8:14pm I'm gonna maybe(?) ask her how she feels about me and if I should be more patient about her response cause I don't want her to be stuck being unsure. I told her about the palanca letter for our retreat. It's a letter with the inside being filled with positive, love, and gratitude stuff in it. I'm so gonna make a letter for her when it's her class' time to retreat. Heck yeah. I love making letters for her. Also, I've actually done nothing but FLIRT to her. Seriously. I was genuinely so touchy around her. You know the rest, and you know me. I love touching her. And, you only see this side of me to HER. HER specifically. I only allow her. Oh yeah. I asked her if she knew what my password was, and she somehow remembered. Which is her birthdate. She also remembered how much I like Thai GL Media. So cool. She really does remember. I like that about her. It may look like she does not remember, but she does. Honestly, I'm not gonna expect much tomorrow. I genuinely do still have hope for the both of us. She's genuinely looked more happy and brighter. Her laughter, and her smile. That genuinely cute smile. That smile I glaze a lot. Seriously. I need to stop glazing her but, I just can't help it, you know? She's genuinely just so cute. I love that about her. I really want to spend more time with her. Sbat literally told me I have spent 2 hours with her. I could spend more times with her if time did not stop me at all. I genuinely really love her presence. She makes me feel safe. We were literally just.. being touchy around eachother. Loving eachothers presence. I could tell. I think. I have to stop assuming, I swear. But, it felt like it. That's what I think. I was fidgeting her index finger. I really like the softness of her skin, and the way I can just feel her skin. It's so soft. Her hand feels like a hand after playing with play doh. Seriously. I even told her that, and she was confused. Our legs were genuinely touching. I know that's not a big deal but that's seriously my love language, and the fact that she did not even bother to move her legs away. I was a little bit annoying because, my legs kept doing nothing but moving. I was fidgeting a lot. She didn't even complain about it, until I mentioned it. She just mentioned how my legs have been doing nothing but vibrating, which also involved her legs because our legs were touching. Seriously. The long eye contact... We were also tickling eachother. That genuinely hit close to home. That felt like the times when we were together. When we were on a sleepover, and we kept tickling eachother. Seriously. That's our love language. Tickling eachother. I hope she remembered that. No. Actually. SERIOUSLY. She does not know how lucky she seriously is. I only allow her to touch me like this. I only allow her to be this close to me. She's seen sides of me that not even Mowl saw. Also because, I'm talking about my romantic side, which, obviously, would I not show to Mowl, since she's my childhood best friend. Anyway, she's just genuinely perfect. I want her in my life forever. In my future. I want AND need her. I want her and her only. I really do. I'll do anything. I'll even wait for another month just to let her sort her feelings out. I don't even care. I just know there's still hope. Little bit of hope. 01% of hope. And, I'm counting on that. That's why. I have to do something. If I don't, nothing will happen. And, I mean, NOTHING. Nothing will ever happen. That's why I genuinely have to do this. Whatever comes out of her mouth, I should respect it. I always respect her. Will always. I'll respect her decision. No negativity. No positivity. Just inbetween, I say.

Life

I genuinely hate the fact that my anorexia is worsening again. Also, you guys like this new format I'm doing? I've decided to make it like this. One paragrah about some topic, and then the other, and so on. It looks better like this. I hope. Something my future self won't complain about, since, you know? I'm dyslexic, after all. I should seriously change this mess. I don't like eating with my family now. It makes me feel disgusted. I feel like I'm about to gag. The sight of them looking at me while I eat. Disgusting. I hate it. I hate it when people look at me when I'm eating. I hate food. I hate it. Gosh. I have to deal with this now. Seriously. I need help. How many times have I even said "seriously"? Dang.