Hi, this is the date that made me decide and consider putting my feelings and updates about my life using a website. Something I've been thinking about for a while, but I decided to actually do it now, as I had a random sense of motivation out of nowhere. Don't expect any of my updates to be happy as I, a living kind on Earth genuinely suffer with depression. The thought of putting my feelings into a website and I come across this in the future(if I even do have a future), made me feel like it was worth to try this. That's all I will be saying for this "QnA" of myself, and I will be getting started. I am Alien(not actually my name, just the name I wanna go by in this website), I am currently 15. I've had these mood swings for months now actually. I really miss the months where I've genuinely felt nothing but happiness. I did have some slight bad moments but those wouldn't affect my day at all. These past few months, I've been feeling nothing but depressed. I feel the need to cry, to let it all out, and to just kill myself. I thought to myself, if I succeeded, wouldn't that mean I wouldn't feel pain anymore? The only last pain I'd be feeling is commiting? I highly even doubt I have a future. I'd rather feel the last pain than encounter it for a whole decade. Yes, I am weak and I hate it. I hate how I involve myself in stuff that could lead me to being upset. I hate how I involved myself in being in a relationship that I so never wouldve thought would affect my life. Yes, I shouldn't let it get the best out of me, but I can't help that. I'm trying, and as hard as I try, it never works. It almost did. The stuff I tell my friends are just miserable lies. No, I've never gone to a therapist. If I did, you wouldn't even see me anymore. Hence, I'd probably be in a fucking mental hospital, that's if I tell you how stupid I am feeling. I've had an interest whereas it would be something that would ruin my life. I don't care anyway. My life has already been ruined. Should I ruin it more? Fucking hell. It's not like life would get better anyway. It did. Only for 2 days. Piece of shit. I genuinely just want to leave this stupid country with these stupid people. If I could tell you the amount of hatred I have for these sick stupid retarded people in this country, it would be infinity. There are some people I love, but the hatred? I'd say my hatred would be 80% and the "some people I love" would be 20%. I want to live in another country. A new life. People who I don't know, and these people who don't know me at all. I want to leave my phone and delete my social medias the moment I get out of this country. I make another social media but only for my close friends. The others? Those "retarded" ones? Fuck them. They're dead to me. I know I haven't been a really good person, but they make it seem like I'm the only BAD person. They're the ones who are bad too, and that's something they cannot accept. Which is bullshit. These people are bullshit. I've had this interest for quite some time which is filming. I don't care if the quality is ass; I just want to film, and act. I thought to myself, if I really do have a future, should I go for acting? Or should I go for something else? Acting would be something I'd like to go for, but it's not something I'd make as a main job. Just a side job that could be of use help to me for distractions and friends perhaps? Well, like I said. I highly doubt that would happen. I'm too dumb. I'm way too retarded for this world. I can't handle way too many tasks. I don't know if this is just my ADHD, but if it is, I hate it. I wish I was a normal person. Somebody who can handle alot of things happening at once. Why do I have ADHD? It's not even a blessing. It's a stupid fucking curse. Piece of shit curse. I can't do shit well. I get screamed at when I don't do the shit they tell me to. I need full-on-detailed instructions with physical action so I know what to actually do. This is something a 5 year old would fucking worry. Not a 15 year old. I'm 15. That's pure stupidity. I'm the age of 15 and yet I have the brain of a fucking stupid retarded 5 year old. Why am I genuinely like this? Why is life so rough on me? Was I really destined to just live and experience hell in Earth and just kill myself? That's it? Wow, consider how it's Suicide Prevention Month. That shit is nothing to me. I'd love to show a surprise to the people I know by pulling some stupid last moment shit on a month like this. If I could. I haven't lived my life to the fullest. As much as I want to die, I haven't really done alot. All I'm doing right now is just being a depressed motherfucker. Did somebody put some kind of witchcraft on me? Making me have a fucking curse? Bullshit. PURE bullshit. I can't stand the sight of seeing people happy. It pisses me off so much. If I could take that lips of theirs and rip it off and see them lips-less with them only being left with a wide open mouth, that would make my day. Something I strongly dislike around me. For some reason, I've been listening to this song on repeat. It's a song I can't stop thinking about. You already know about this song. It's "Pumped up kicks" by Foster the People. I really like the way it's an upbeat song while it has a strong deep meaning in it. It's like seeing a joyful person and deep inside they think about gore alot. Actually, I've noticed this alot from me. It's that I tend to change moods alot. Awhile ago, I was pissed and upset. Now, I feel neutral and maybe a sense of hope? I don't know. Probably more on the neutral side. I've been really meaning to get a diagnosis on whether or not this is a serious one because it not only affects me but so does it affect the people around me. Bipolar was it? Ehh. Whatever. This is actually something I've been thinking about alot throughout the past few days and it's that, I can't have my own time at all. Okay, I'm completely fine with my school trio group friends, but whenever I go silent, they'd just randomly ask me if I'm okay. I'll answer that of course, which is a no. Was I ever okay? Not at all. But I just don't want to be talking everytime. I just want to be silent and listen to music whilst also being around them. It's not their presence, it's the background noises. I admit. I do like their presence but sometimes I don't. Today, I didn't. I hated their presence around me. I prefer my og friends. I prefer talking to my childhood best friend and my cousin that I'm really close with. They're the ones that actually make me laugh. I guess it's because my school trio friend group is also friends with the person I genuinely dislike. The person whom I really despise, yet can't help but fall inlove to. Whatever. I don't feel like talking about that. Honestly, this is pretty long and I could talk even more, because this is just how my brain functions. Too many speaking at once, too many thoughts in my mind, I've been zoning out alot way more than usual which is weird. A person noticed I was zoning out alot more than usual, and proceeded to catch my attention and ask me what I was thinking. I don't know actually. I'm thinking about alot of things. I can't give you a one sentence answer. It would be a very long answer. But I stayed silent and tried to think of a lie that would get me out of the convo. All I said was, "the food tastes good, that's why". I'm pretty sure they weren't convinced, but atleast that got me out of that hellhole conversation. Oh yeah, I also have selective mutism. I hate the way it sounds. It sounds weird. Why did they name it like that? It's like some autism spectrum. I mean it is, but. Whatever. I don't wanna waste my time thinking about the name of that. I was gonna say, I have selective mutism. When somebody asks me a very strong question, I would love to answer it actually. It's just my voice wouldn't come out at all. Not even my mouth. It's like a siren took my voice and it's like as if the Beldam sewed my mouth the way she sewed Other Wybie's mouth. Can you tell I'm a Coraline fan? I've been a fan since 2016. It's been my favourite show since I was a kid. I loved that spider scene. It was so overstimulatingly scary. That's the kind of pressure and adrenaline I like in claymation movies. Something like Wendell & Wild too. I don't know. I could talk endless about my day right now. It was cool I guess. I hung out with my friends. My cousin and I stayed with my childhood best friend's house, and we had a lot of fun. My cousin on the other hand was asleep. We'll call my cousin: Sbat. And for my childhood best friend: Mowl. Mowl and I had a lot of fun doing some TikTok trends and I will say, that was really fun. We were also watching scary comps. That YouTube channel that gets me, Mowl & Sbat hooked. Oh, and I have another friend too. We'll call that "another friend": Ibear. Ibear loves that YouTube channel too. We love watching scary horror stuff. Oh yeah. I also have this circular rash on the side of my arm which hurts right now. It's not even itchy anymore. It's due to my allergies, I'm pretty sure. Honestly, I'm really excited for Halloween as me and my friends will be having 2 Halloween parties. The day before Halloween and the day of Halloween. I'm excited. Not because of the candies but because I get to spend time with them. I love them honestly. Platonically. Theyre the friends I wanna keep till we eventually die. Oh, and I wanna have a full on sleepover blast too. Honestly, this is it for now. This is my journal of the day & night. Time check: 11:30pm.