Time check: 6:59am. I arrived really early in class. Same routine. Everything's the same. I'll tell you guys my routine in the meantime, since my day really hasn't started at all or ever. First I wake up at 5:00am. Shower at 5:10am. Finish showering by 5:30am. Wait for a bit till it's 5:50am and go downstairs to eat. Finish eating by 6:06am. Go upstairs and toothbrush for 2 minutes? Then I do my morning face routine and fix my hair by adding some sticky gel to make it stay put. Then I'd finish either early or late whatever. Then that's the time we leave which is like at 6:30am. Then arrive 6:45am or 6:50am. I'll be real, this has been in my head since the moment I woke up. I genuinely hate my "other" friend group as they always mention that one specific person I really liked and wanted to have a serious relationship with. For her, she definitely did not. I'm so sure of that. I really hate talking to them too because all they do is discriminate everything I do. Nothing I do is ever right to them. Oh I stop pursuing her. They'll immediately be upset and ask "why?". But when SHE says she's a busy person and doesn't know what she's feeling, my other "friend" would immediately listen to her side. I don't get it. Why didn't you mention the shits she did that made me feel so hurt? Why didn't you mention that? Why did you immediately understand her situation but when it comes to me they'll immediately discriminate it. Didn't even bother to confront her about the shit she did to me. Absolute retarded motherfuckers. Just because I am close with you doesn't mean you have to fucking insult every single little piece of fucking shit I do. My other "friend" didn't even tell her how hurt I was. Everything I do is ALWAYS wrong and when she does something wrong she's forgiven immediately. It's like nothing happened to her. Retards. I hate people like this. I hate retarded people like this. I hate how she was understood so easily and her feelings were immediately understood. How come mine isn't? What is so hard to me that you can't understand? I've explained how I felt. Why can't they understand me? My feelings? Is it really that foolish? Sorry that I'm someone who isn't as "normal" as she is. Sorry? That I'm overly sensitive. I'm actually done with this foolish shit. I'm done. But, I haven't moved on from her. Not yet. Time check right now: it is 1:00pm and we're having our lunch. Not much. I did see "that person" who we shall call as Batman. I'm totally gonna hate Batman after this. Stupid codename. Well, she really does seem less likely to still like me. What if she felt bad because her love isn't as strong as mine? As much as my friend said what she answered to my friends question; I wanna hear it from her. I wanna hear how sincere and serious she is. I'll wait till she actually talks to me about how she feels. I won't say it will be worth the wait but what can I say? She was my world. Time check: 6:11pm. I spoke to my other friend whom we should call Route. She told me the entirety of what Batman told her, as I asked Route to ask Batman how she felt about me and other such. She took a deep dive down and told me everything Batman told her. But honestly, it felt like something was missing. Her presence. It just doesn't feel like it unless it's her telling me. I guess It's better if I actually just ask her myself. Trust me. I am scared. But, so is she. Route told me she would just "let things happen". And so do I. Stupid move by the way because that will do nothing to our status. I'll just end up regretting things because none of us are initiating anything. She did say she doesn't want to initiate anything. Something she really isn't good at, and something that I'm good at. She did say she doesn't mind at all if I talk to her about things like this, but for me, I genuinely fear I might be overstressing her. Especially since she doesn't know her feelings for me, which I don't wanna stress out at all. She admitted she was at fault, and I am too at fault, as I did not even bother to communicate about my feelings. She thought of herself as the "villain" which is stupid. To my eyes, she isn't. She's the one that brought me back to life, and put me back in hell. Ironic. Well to be honest, I really do wanna talk to her but it's the vibes that she gives off that terrifies me. I genuinely feel that sense of hatred from her to me. It's like she's judging every movement I make, which is genuinely so terrifying. Something nobody would understand, because It's something I only experience when it comes to her. Good, honestly. I want to be the only one that likes her. I want her to be mine. Honestly, we're pretty normal around eachother, it's just the start that's terrifying. We're normal around eachother and we also still have that strong tension towards eachother. That's what Route told me. Time check: 9:21pm. I don't really have much to say because I genuinely feel a bit relieved that she isn't(?) mad at me or annoyed at me. That's what scares me a lot. Actually, I don't know. I don't think Route told me anything other than her saying "I don't know" when Route asked how Batman felt about me. I mean I guess she doesn't hate me? I guess. I'm morely relieved by the fact that she still doesn't mind me confronting her. I've confronted her once, actually. I'm just really nervous because I'm scared I might cross the line and end up hurting her or maybe even worse overstressing her. I don't wanna be a really big bother to her, I'll be honest. My life revolves around her right now because shes all I could ever think. I'll be frank, if I weren't to be thinking about her right now, I'd be braindead. Something that will never happen to me is a peaceful mind. That's just how severe my ADHD is, that even my mind speaks for itself. Thank gosh I don't really get it to the best out of me. I just rant about whatever pisses me off like what I'm doing right now. Also because I want this to be something I can read in the future when I remember it. Perhaps a time capsule. I will say though, Route and I and also my other friend whom we shall call Yatter, have been learning how to speak ASL. It's actually a really genius idea, as we three can just sign instead of speak. It's really good, as I also sometimes go nonverbal from my selective mutism-ness. So, this one is a really great help. Something we three can rely on, and something we could use in the future. It's actually also fun because most of our schoolmates are too busy to even study ASL, which makes it even better. We can be talking mess, and nobody would suspect anything because we're signing. That's it for now. Time check: 9:28pm. I have to go toothbrush and then turn off the computer, then add vaseline on my lips, and then lastly use my cellphone for a bit, then sleep! That's it for today's Life Story.