Time check: 7:03am. Listening to North by Clairo. Such a god-tier song. I like songs like this like bedroom indie? Yeah. To be honest, I'm scared right now. While I was doing my morning routine, I was thinking about what I should ask and tell Batman in September 17(?) or 18. I don't know honestly. We have intrams and it's a three day intrams, and I wanna spend the three of them together with her like last year. This is horrific. I actually really do wanna talk to her, it's just the starting point of it is scary because I.. I don't know. I don't know, to be honest. I just feel nervous about it. I have to remember that she clearly said she's doesn't mind if I confront her and by mind she means I can confront her anytime, so I'm genuinely thinking about it. She also mentioned that multiple times. Since last month, infact. Ughh, it's just so terrifying. I feel so terrible because I was also at fault too. I didn't bother communicating my feelings at all which genuinely fucked us up. If I did actually communicate with her, none of this problematic shit would've happened. It's something I genuinely and I mean deeply regret because we would've been sending love messages and talking every recess and lunch. It's something I really miss or in general I just really stupidly miss her. Honestly, I just won't expect anything at all, because I know that if I do expect something and it actually won't happen, I'll just dissapoint myself. And, I don't want that. It's something that I've been trying to work on myself. To avoid any more further pain. Actually, yeah crap. I forgot what I was about to say. Uhm, I was gonna say something but I got distracted. Now what. Whatever, I'll think about that later. Okay but seriously, I don't even care anymore about the consequences. I'll think of it though as this; she either loses interest and tells me we won't work out and she tells me "I'm sorry I don't think I can return your feelings" or she'll reconsider. I don't wanna expect much. I know it'll be the first one because she did say she doesn't know how to feel about me. Who knows? She probably doesn't even like me anymore. She's just forcing herself to. Which is disturbing. I hate that honestly. The thought of it leaves a lingering sensation in me and I don't mean that in a freaky way I mean it in a way of feeling upset. I don't wanna annoy her, agitate her, and make her feel uncomfortable. I don't wanna cross the line either. Let's say, if I were to do that, I would never forgive myself. That's something I genuinely hate. That's why I'm so overly considerate and that's because I don't wanna make her feel any negative emotions. Oh, I think I remember what I was thinking about saying here. About the thing Route said. "The both of you are normal. You two still have that strong tension". I noticed that one too. We talk like as if nothing happened but yet there's something missing in it. Something uncomfortable. And, I know what it is. It's the fact that we two still have an unresolved situation. We still have that strong sensation that we two still like(?) eachother. I will say, I'm not sure. By the way Route said it, I'm not really sure what she meant by that but I'm guessing it's similar to what I said. I won't expect anything at all. That she likes me. That she wants to be back with me. None of that. As much as I wanna be delusional, I have to face that harsh truth of reality. That I can't have what I want. Not even if I pray for it. I have to earn it or basically I have to do it myself. Even if I can't have her again anymore, it was worth the try. She really was my everything. I was and still am serious about her. But, if she wants to call it off and tell me we just aren't for the best; I'll have to change that part of my mind. To think that she would've been my future. Lol, one of my friends whom we will call Alter, just asked me how I'm this energetic at an early time. I don't know actually. It's not me personally that's energetic. It's my fingers. They're the energetic one, whilst I am very much tired. Honestly, I hope September is the last month of me suffering. It'll either be my last month of suffering or my LAST month of living. If I were to pick, it would be the first. As much as I want the second, I just want this to be my last month of suffering. But realistically, definitely the second one is a must. ล้อเล่น. I've been so used to being hurt to the point where I just think this is actually a curse and it's a curse that I can't kill. Terrifying, I know. Beats me. Can I be honest? I still do have 0.0001% hope that she will come back to my life and we'll be back together as a couple. 0.0001% chance by the way. Time check: 4:13pm. Class is done. During lunchtime, Yatter and I were speaking to eachother using asl. She was outside my classroom thought whilst I was inside. The door was closed but it has a window so that meant we could see eachother. While I was signing Batman's name, she randomly came out of nowhere! I was shook. I did not expect that at all. Not in any way! And she actually saw me like 0.1 sec. Route told me she isn't actually ignoring me, she's just tensed and awkward-ed. Next Wednesday, I'll tell Batman about the confrontation either September 17, 18 or 19. She'll have to choose but I just know she'll say "you choose" so I'd genuinely go for the second day. Oh gosh. I just remembered something. I remember when her and I would hold hands, she'd smell her hand after because it was filled with my scent. I hate remembering to be honest. The days of me being filled with happiness and joy. Now? Just pure upset and dissapointment. I always find ways to make myself suffer without even knowing. Annoying.