Time check: 10:24am. I just had a random thought. What if I just eat as much foods that I'm allergic to, and see how long my body can last, and maybe even see the allergic reactions on my body. Afterall, I am bored, and this is another way of hurting myself other than slicing. Totally something I wouldn't want to do to myself. That's why, I'm thinking of doing that instead. It's pretty genius. It's my body, afterall. I could literally just say it's an experiment, even though it's not. It's just a way for me to hurt myself without actually seeing blood. Anyway, I genuinely hate my TikTok for you page. I just wanna see funny TikToks. Why does it always show me people saying how much they love their partner and everything. It's so annoying. NOT a good time to show me that, by the way. It's annoying, I know. It's like me and her situation is exactly like that song “Strange” by Celeste. It's lyrics genuinely hit me to a very hard amount of level. I just hate how my mind keeps making me remember the happy moments with me and her together. We were so happy. I hate it so much. Okay. I hate it. I hate back reading my messages about her. I can't stop thinking about our sleepover. We did so much and we we're so happy too. Time check: 1:24pm. I'm charging my phone right now as I am typing this. I'm really bored. Nothing excites me anymore. She was my joy. The one I'd be very excited of the moment I wake up. Literally, everytime I wake up, I'd check my phone. Just to no messages. Worse one yet, not a sight of her at all. I miss the times when I'd wake up to see her sending me messages and I'd wake up really happy and excited for the day. I was genuinely just so happy. There we're times when I was upset but like I said, it never really ruined my day. And, it's because she was there. She was there to make me feel at ease and joy. Not anymore, lol. That's for sure. I wish I could tell her how I don't need anything else in return. I just want her to be her. I know I've given her so many love and gifts. But, that's just my way of showing my love to her. I don't want anything else in return. Just her being herself and her deep reassurance of love. I've never asked for anything other than that. If I could tell her that during intramurals, I'd definitely say it. There definitely will be tears coming out and I won't ever stop myself from talking. I need to let it all out to her, and tell her how she's been genuinely haunting me. I want to listen to music, but most of my playlists just don't fit my mood. As much as I don't wanna listen to upsetting music, I have to. Listening to funky music while I'm not feeling funky, makes me feel odd. I prefer listening to upsetting music while I'm upset. Call me a masochist if you want; I just need to feel and understand my feelings more deeply, instead of trying to keep it to myself. I need to know how I feel and I need to let them all out so I could find a way to fix this situation. It's tiring, I know. But, for her, nothing is tiring. I'll do whatever I can to fix my relationship with her. I want to fix us. Actually, curse that out. I need to fix us. I'm tired of feeling emotional. I really need her. Her presence is all I ever ask. Her smile, her laughter, her joy, her happiness, her eyes locked only to me, her voice, her warmth, her. I miss her so much. I yearn so much for her. I've been longing for so long that I can't even handle it anymore. I need her so much. I'm so upset. I miss her. I can't help it. I know my friends are tired of me constantly talking about her. This is why I made this in the first place. I just genuinely need her. How many times do I have to say it? To genuinely let you know that you're all I need and without you my life would be gloomy? You're the light and sunshine of my life. You're the reason why I'm still going. You're the reason why I've felt less emotional. Look at it now, you're the one making me emotional and gloomy. I miss her so much, I can't help it. I miss her touch. I miss her hugs. I miss the smile she'd show to me. I miss everything about her. I can't help it but feel things deeply. All those memories with me and her together. Laughing, smiling and at peace. We we're so at ease. I just had to ruin it. Because I didn't even bother to communicate. I should tell her all of this. How I know I'm also at fault, as I didn't even bother to communicate with her. Oh, tears will be definitely coming out. I'm not gonna hold back. This really is my last chance, and I wanna do everything I can, without making her feel uncomfortable, of course. I'll have to constantly ask her if it's okay to talk more about it till then and there. I also need to hear her side and response to all of my genuine thoughts. She's already apart of me. I can't let go of her. She was meant to be my future. I'm so sure this is the Sunday effect. Of boredom. Of rotting. Nothing else to do. I'm tired. I'm so tired. All I want is her. All I need is her. She's all I want and need. Time check: 2:31pm. Here I go again. Crying. I couldn't handle it anymore. Everything just hurts. Physically and mentally. Nobody understands me at all. Not even one. She really was my everything. Why can't anybody understand that? They don't get it. Crying won't help at all but, it's a way for me to let some of it out. I'm tired. I'm so tired. Of feeling pain. I want to go outside but the thought of walking and being fully aware that I'm walking, makes me feel afraid. I'm so afraid. I want to have distractions. Not things to make me feel it even more deeply. I want something to distract me. I want to sleep for more than a day. I want to be in a coma. I can't take it anymore. I hate living. I hate feeling. Why? Why do I feel things so deeply? Just why? I may sound obsessive, but I can't help that, okay. I really can't. I'm so tired. I want to let it all out. It's either her or no one.